Finding Your Courage When You Think You Have None

After the earthquake, Gili Trawangan felt even more like home. My plan was to go home and settle back into a normal life in Wales. Buy an apartment over looking the marina and retrain as a teacher. Maybe buy a horse and settle back to a conventional 9 to 5 routine. But, the earthquake changed everything. The Scallywags team were my family and my thoughts and prays were with each of them. Everyday, enduring earthquake after earthquake, aftershock after aftershock. It was relentless and it broke my heart, this could not be good-bye. My time in Gili Trawangan was not meant to end like this. I had to be with them. 

I had three wonderful weeks at home with my family. Spending time with my closest friends. Quality time with those who needed my friendship more now than ever. It was my oldest and dearest friends 50th birthday celebrations. I was hoping to go home and surprise her, fly in at the last minute and turn up at the cottage in Derbyshire. 

The Earthquake in Lombok 

At the time of the earthquake she had become quite scared for me. She called every government office, government official or agency she could think of. It never crossed my mind how it would be perceived in the West. The reporting of the earthquake and tsunami warning had made it sound like another 2004 catastrophe. Thinking and speaking to her on the phone, I must have been in shock and reality had not kicked in. We spoke the night we arrived in Bali, 5 days after the big 7.2 on ricketier scale earthquake. It was a tough telephone call, as I became very aware of the enormity of everything that we had experienced. 

Arriving at the train station to meet her was very emotional. I could see she had been stressing over the last year with everything she had had to cope with. I felt very lucky at the simplicity of my life and a tad guilty.

For her birthday we had rented a beautiful farm house in Derbyshire, in the middle of the Peak District. Friends, old and new come together to celebrate. The hardest part was her cousin who was battling life everyday with terminal cancer. She left behind her  two teenage children. A daughter with special needs and a son still coming to terms with his father’s death. She had lost her husband to a brain tumour. Her story is gut wrenching and makes one question your existence. And why life can be so cruel to good and beautiful souls, yet easy on those who are not. 

Living with Cancer 

We talked about my experiences of the earthquake and the aftermath. I felt like a fraud, what I had gone through was nothing in comparison. Yet, she listened to every word. soaked up every experience and emotion I felt, as if to try and experience it herself. I guess she believed that listening to my story, she could experience this for herself. Something she never would. 

I could not begin to imagine how one would feel knowing that you do not have long left with this life. That you will not get to experience all those things you dreamed of doing. Or seeing your children grow up and living their dreams. I could not help but admiring for the positive outlook that she had, and the energy that she radiated. She was an inspiration to us all sat around the table that night. It made me feel grateful for everything I have. 

I spent the rest of my time with my family. My brother and sister-in-law had flown home to the UK with me. On the way back home from Indonesia I stopped in Dubai for 10 days. I needed that time to get my head together. Although we had stayed in Bali for 4 weeks after the earthquake. It wasn’t a time for healing. We spent our days packing supplies and sourcing water, rice and medicines that could be shipped to Lombok. There were also several earthquakes while we stayed in a hotel. I spent the evenings lying awake watching the glass sliding doors, convinced they were shaking. Or I sat on the balcony staring at the pool watching for water movement. On the occasions we felt an aftershock, everyone came running out of their room. We sat together talking until we calmed down before we went back to bed. 

It was hard talking to my family about my experience. We are quite a stoic bunch and don’t get emotional about anything. A slap on the back and a ‘you’ll get over it’ is the best we have all come to expect. It was hard writing the message to them the night of the earthquake. Telling them that I was safe and that I loved them. I never say I love you to anyone other than my daughters, whom I tell everyday. 

It made me realise that as a family we are unique. We are the kind of people that “where ever I lay my hat that’s my home”. It was the realisation I needed and validation of why I was going back to Indonesia. It was now my home, it was where I had laid my hat. 

Returning to Indonesia 

My family were shocked that I was going back after everything. Even more so when I changed my plans from looking for an apartment with no confirmed return date. I started applying for courses to become a teacher. I also tried to get a buy-to-let mortgage, but even with a 70% deposit, without a fixed salary I couldn’t get one. I was again reminded of the saying by the Dali Lama ‘not getting what you want is a wonderful stroke of luck’. My heart was not in it, even though I loved the idea of living near my sister and my dad. Seeing my nieces and nephews everyday and taking them to school.

It felt like a long time being home for 3 weeks but the time flew past very quickly. Before I knew it, I had my new 6 month visa for Indonesia and it was time to leave. It was hard saying good-bye to my family knowing that in my heart I wouldn’t be returning home for at least a year. I knew they were happy for me and fine without me. But you become close when you have such a short-time together.

I was not ready to settle back into a routine. I don’t think I will ever be ready. It had been 18 months since I had found the courage to travel and I am still loving every day. I do not take a single day for granted. Everyday that I wake up I open front door, look at the banana trees and aloe vera growing in my garden. I see the beautiful blue sky and I am thankful for being in Lombok, Indonesia and every thing that I have.

As I wrote this I found out my friend's cousin had taken a turn for the worse. She very sadly passed away with her loved ones around her. She was a true inspiration to us. Her life motto was ‘when life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile’. In her last few days she asked Kate to post a poem that she wrote when she had passed. So in remembrance of Emma and all that she gave us. 

“Riding the waves of cancer...”

By Emma Maley 

'My life is much like the ocean. I sit and reflect upon my life quietly, like the silent caves, deep and alone. 

I think about the uncharted waters that lie ahead of me, no idea how I'll ride them or whether I'll even come out the other end alive. Will the next wave be the one that is just too much for my cancer riddled body? After all, the end is inevitable for a terminal cancer patient.

Do I just sit in the cave and fear the final wave that will kill me? Or do I choose to embrace the crazy journey instead? It's my choice. So I choose to live. To live in the moment because tomorrow is not promised for anyone.

I choose to dive and take risks.

I choose to look for the small treasures in life, like those lost on the oceans floor.

I choose to turn away the endless shore of regret in my life and accept that life simply happened.

No judgment, no regrets.

I needed to go through the bad times to appreciate the truly magnificent ones. I needed cancer to show me how to thrive...not just survive.

To truly see that all my experiences and relationships have made me the person I am today.

I now see my life as one entire tapestry, where every relationship and every encounter I've experienced is interconnected.

In the world of cancer we create fear through our own choice of words. We talk about the battle, the fight, the win.

But my life isn't a battlefield and I certainly don't want to be at war with my own body.

I want to find peace and live the remainder of my life from a place of love, not fear.

I want to swim gracefully until I reach Gods ocean of sparkling blues. That much I can control.

I hope that I have taught my children to spot stars in the clear night sky, preparing them for the day that their mum becomes a star. "The one that shines the brightest" I hope that will be me! 

I can at least reassure them that I know that I will be with Paul once again, the love of my life, the one I shared all my deepest secrets with, so I need not take them to God’s ocean. 

I sit back again in my silent cave, this time not fearing the final wave, because I've learned the journey in the middle is the only part that actually matters. 

Feelings of fulfillment, love, memories and gratitude will be my companion as I ride my waves.

Courage Dear Heart

I am often asked what does ‘courage dear heart’ mean and why do I have tattoo of it. It is from the CS Lewis, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader. The Chronicles of Narnia is one of my all time favourites. I had the tattoo as a reminder to myself that we need courage in the face of fear and our darkest moments. Fear will paralyse us into doing nothing. It makes us afraid of anything that frees us from monotony and insignificance.

I am not sure I consider myself courageous or even brave come to that. I realise how lucky I am to be living a life that I have dreamed about. I have carved my path in life and I am treading a path that most have only dared to think about. I am thankful everyday for my family, my friends and my Indonesia family, who fill my world with love every day.

I’m grateful for my health and the courage I have to make my dream life my reality. For the encouragement I receive from all my friends and family to follow my dream. My love for you all is immeasurable.