My Redundancy Revelation: Why Getting Fired Was the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me
It can be tough mentally and physically when you are made redundant. It hits your confidence hard. I overthought everything, negatively, every little detail. Why me? Did I do something wrong? Why wasn't I asked to move to the new office?
Despite knowing I wasn't happy and that this was a great outcome for me, self-doubt set in. I know I am not very good at recognising my own strengths, I can reel off my weaknesses. When it comes to appraisal time I down play all my achievements for the year and become very modest. While I was working for my organisation, I delivered significant successful change programmes. Looking back I did this with my leadership, passion and continual sense of fun to getting things done. Yet, when it comes to talking about these successes in my CV or writing my website, I flounder. The programmes of work become mediocre. They appear generic, the same as any other programme that could be delivered by anyone.
Writing my Own Settlement Agreement
As part of my compromise agreement on leaving we had to agree a reference. My contract negotiation was easy. We finalised it in 2 days. We were parting in a mutually-beneficial manner. The final part, the agreed reference, they asked me to write it and they would agree or amend it. It took me 4 days. Ask me to write a reference for any one of my team or a friend. I could write a reference like they'd planned and led a single-handed moon landing. I was stumped when it came to my own, I had no idea where to begin.
I sat staring at my screen for hours. I was on 'gardening leave', I had all the time I needed to sort this. On my morning runs I would think of great lines and words to include. Yet when I came to write them down, mediocrity would set in. I had statements like 'Caroline did a good job delivering x' and 'Caroline is a competent manager'. I am more than good and I didn't manage, I lead from the front, but ask me to write why and I'm lost for words. There is not much that silences me but if you want to, ask me "why should I hire you". I dragged in ex-colleagues, whom I know are fabulous with words to help. I asked them to write some statements on why they loved working with me. Some wonderful paragraphs came back which reminded me why I am great at what I do. Yet, by the time I had finished with them I was mediocre again. I wouldn't hire me.
Is it a Girl Thing?
I am not sure if this is a British thing, a girl thing or me. I know I am not good at complaining, I am self critical and I am not good with criticism. I would definitely never send food back and neither do some of my close girlfriends. In Sri Lanka, my friend ordered shark fish, it can either taste divine or like road kill. Hers tasted like road kill. It tasted like it had been stewed in urine. It had its own, the fish urinates through its skin and they should soak it be thoroughly to get rid of it. Did we send it back, NO. She left it, paid for it, said thank you, smiled at them and never said a word.
When I started travelling I began trying to embrace the moment more and go with the flow. I hate to have my picture taken, so much so, I am hardly in any family photos. Catch me unawares and 30% of the time I look OK. Ask me to pose for a photo and I look terrible. Like the episode of Friends, when Chandler has his photo taken for his engagement, 'look down, look down, look up' and oh my word, who is that! I am my own worst critic, so is this a girl thing or a generation thing? The Chinese aren't, they seem to have invented the selfie with the peace sign. They will strike a pose anywhere. On the beach dressed up taking photos and selfies. Jumping in waves, falling off rocks, holding back their hair, swinging their hats and striking a pose. All the while the poor person with the phone tries in earnest to get the perfect shot. Am I missing out on something? I could do with a sprinkle of their self-confidence, and complete oblivion to what others are thinking.
Overthinking What I Think People Think
I spend too much time worrying about what I think other people are thinking of me. When they are mostly likely not thinking anything at all about me. They are too busy enjoying themselves. It is a criticism thing, as if I am not slim enough to be wearing a bikini or too old. My gran asks me constantly, when am I getting my hair cut short, will I be doing it before I am 50. I am here in Bali, which seems to be a travellers' paradise and there is a traveller chic going on. I went into panic mode. I started yoga every morning and 8 minute abs by the body coach on YouTube. It is like somehow it is going to give me back my pre-child body the next day. You would think after having this same body for 25 years I would be comfortable with it, but no, I still beat myself up. Boys don't worry about it, they strut around with everything hanging over the waist band. I am sure they don't worry about things like muffin tops.
So, there I was trying my absolute best to write myself a fabulous 'hire this person' reference, and being my very 'British Girl' self. What was my problem? Number one, I thought the company would read it and think 'she has an over inflated opinion of herself'. Number two, I did not want to receive their feedback. It would be like they were marking my work, and if they amended it, it would mean that what I had done wasn't good enough. All this overthinking, self-critical avoiding feedback had to stop. What did it matter to them, I had to keep telling myself, I know I did a great job. I was well respected by everyone. I had delivered the company 'cultural change programme', which is significant in a company of 11,000 employees. I wrote the strategy, and delivered an industry leading, transformational website redesign. Why was I finding it so hard to find the words for my reference?
Think Like a Boy
I managed to get the words down on paper and sent it to my friend for her partner to read over. Smart guy brought up 'proper', MBA and full of self-confidence. I was dreading the feedback, still I sucked it up, emailed and awaited the response. The next day we all met for a glass of wine, ‘thing is Cas’ advice verbatim 'you have to think like an over confident boy'. His explained his view, 'if you can do 10% of the job description you're an absolute perfect fit, they need you'. He was right. When I read through a job specification for a role, if I am confident with 60% of it then I am not right for the job. Job specifications are a guide, I know that. I hire on personality and fit, and more often than not a job description changes, yet it still holds me back. He gave me some great advice on creating your Why?
Why me? I kept asking myself as I wrote. The second round of feedback was the best and made me laugh out loud. I guess you have to know him, but here it is. 'You need to state what makes you stand out from the crowd in other words what is your unique selling point. For instance mine is, coming across as smooth and traditional, yet I am really quite dangerous and edgy. This is the why you rather than anyone else. Think like a boy and promote yourself, don't do the British and female understated and modest stuff’. He was right!
Ladies We Are More Than JUST Good
Ladies we must suck it up, we are marvellous and we are more than great at what we do. Who cares what we look like in a bikini. My friends would be proud today, I wore a non-matching bikini and I strutted it down the beach. There was no-one it it, but I did it. To top it off I took a selfie (without the peace sign) and I shared it on social media. As I sit in the beach bar 'All of me' by John Legend is playing and I do love all my curves, edges and perfect imperfections. When I get home, I will apply for all those roles I meet 10% of or I will find the courage to do my own thing, may be. Whatever I decide it will be thinking far more positively about myself and much less about what I can't do.
I finally got the great reference I deserved and it was agreed without any amendments. Why wouldn't it be, I am fabulous and more than great at what I do.
